


(Im)mortality

by TonalModulator



Category: Elder Scrolls, Elder Scrolls Online
Genre: F/F, PTSD, Vestige trauma, they pass the pov by touching don't @ me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28039911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonalModulator/pseuds/TonalModulator
Summary: Milia and Llevura hand their brain cells to Talvini and decide to fight to the (temporary) death to see whose faction is cooler. Milia is reminded about her trauma around dying.
Relationships: Female Dunmer Vestige/Female Dunmer Vestige, Talvini (Vestige OC)/Milia (Vestige OC), Vestige OC & Almalexia, Vestige OC & Vivec, Vestige OC/Vestige OC, Vetige OC & Vestige OC
Kudos: 3





	(Im)mortality

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a joke about how Llevura could outparse Milia and how that would annoy Milia (and does annoy me because Milia is supposed to be my best dps), but Milia also has Vestige Baggage that needed to be unpacked, so here we are.

Talvini suppressed a sigh as Milia and Llevura broke out into another argument about whose respective faction was superior. She had heard it so many times that she could recite each of their points in her sleep. It was a wonder the two didn’t grow tired of it. Tal had tried to discourage Milia from going to see Llevura at the Temple while she was on break on the assumption that it would devolve into something like this, but she was starting to understand that this was actually some sort of bizarre friendship ritual.

“There’s nothing wrong with your bardic tendencies, of course,” Llevura said. “It’s just a matter of focus. While you spread your focus out and work on being”—she waved a hand—"‘well-rounded,’ Hands of Almalexia hone our combat skills. Your songs won’t help in the face of real danger."

Milia folded her arms. “Careful, Hand. Rivalries aside, when you disrespect the Buoyant Armigers, you’re disrespecting Vivec hirself.”

“I have no disrespect for the Armigers, and certainly none for Vivec. All I’m saying is that when one needs real muscle, one wouldn’t exactly call on a poet,” she said. “I mean, let’s be honest. Any of us could take on any of you in a fight.”

Milia raised an eyebrow and reached for her staff. “Is that a hill you want to die on?”

Talvini cringed. There was no way this would end well. She considered intervening, but no—not yet. It would be better to let them blow off their steam for now and throw up a ward if things were to get ugly.

“If I were wrong, sure—but I’m not,” Llevura said. “But if you’re intent on putting my words to the test, then let’s take this out to the training yard and duel. To the death.”

Milia’s grip on her staff loosened. “To the death?”

“What, out of soul gems? Don’t worry; I’ve got plenty.”

“Wasn’t expecting you to commit to it, is all,” she said.

Talvini could tell that Milia’s voice lacked the confidence that her words meant to convey, but she hoped she was the only one to notice. Still, she silently cursed herself for not saying anything moments earlier. Even if being a Vestige meant that dying was just a minor inconvenience, she knew that Milia tried to avoid it as much as possible, that it bothered her more that she liked to admit, even to Tal.

“Those stakes sound a bit high,” she said. “Perhaps you two could just fight until—”

“No need; I accept your challenge,” Milia said.

On the way to the training yard, they passed by Tilora, a priest at the temple who also happened to be Llevura’s girlfriend. Talvini motioned her over, staying a couple steps behind the others.

“They’re going to fight to the death.”

“Well, that’s a development from their usual bickering,” Tilora said. “Why?”

“Why are they fighting? For the honor of their respective patrons, I suppose. Why to the death? Because they can. Oh, how rarely wisdom rules our hearts.” She sighed. “I suspect they’ll both need healing afterward. Would you come with us?”

“Of course.”

She fell in beside Talvini as they followed the fighters out to the yard.

The other Hands in the yard knew well enough to make room for people practicing one-on-one combat, though the presence of a Buoyant Armiger seemed to garner some interest, and those nearby stood a safe distance away to watch the fight. Before they began, Milia stepped aside with Talvini to prepare herself. Llevura did the same with Tilora across the field.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Talvini asked softly.

“I can take her. I’m just as good in a fight as she is.”

“If you’re equally matched, then the outcome will be a matter of a coin toss. Are you prepared for what will happen if you lose?”

“I’ll die for a few seconds, and then one of you will use a soul gem to revive me.”

“Right,” Talvini said, “but I’m asking more about the emotional—”

Milia put a hand on her arm to stop her and pressed their foreheads together.

“I know what you’re getting at, but not now, please. Not here.”

She kissed her and then took a few paces away to do her pre-battle prayers.

“Blessed are we who serve ALMSIVI,” she whispered. “Death does not diminish; the ghost gilds with glory. Blessed ALMSIVI, through birth, life, ghost.” She took a breath and added, “Vivec be with me. Divine Mastery guide my hands.”

“Right behind you,” Vivec said, who had indeed appeared directly behind her.

“Oh!” Milia spun around. “I wasn’t expecting your response to be quite so literal.”

Ze smiled broadly. “I wouldn’t miss this.”

“Well…thank you. I will strive to prove myself before you.”

“There is no need to prove yourself to me, Milia; you have already done that plenty of times,” ze said. “Just give me a good fight.”

With a glance across the field, she saw that Llevura was also joined by her patron. This was certainly an interesting afternoon.

As prepared as she could be, Milia began the walk into the arena-like space that seemed to be set aside for dueling. She tried her best not to shake. It was hard enough going into this fight knowing she might die, and even harder now knowing that she might die in front of Vivec. She wished she’d had the courage to refuse the challenge, but that would have made the Buoyant Armigers look bad. At least this way, she could die with honor, if it came to that. And it would only be for a moment, anyway. Nothing to worry about.

She met Llevura in the center of the arena. They bowed out of respect and drew their weapons. As the challenger, it was on Llevura to make the first move.

She called down a ray of light that cut through Milia’s armor and lit up the ground with radiant energy that burned her feet if she stood still for too long. Luckily, Milia was one to dance her way through combat. She cloaked herself in a spiked armor meant to damage attackers just as it protected the user, and slammed her staff down to put her own hazard on the ground, leaving it smoldering. She quickly hopped to the right and breathed out a cone of flame. Already, Llevura’s armor was singed, part of her skirt having even caught fire. She sidestepped as Llevura called forth her spear of divine light and began jabbing at her, and retaliated by slashing her with burning claws and summoning her molten whip. They danced in circles around each other, each trying to dodge attacks but letting the occasional strike land as they moved in to make their own.

By now, Llevura’s armor was blackened, her skirt smoking, but she let forth a shout that seemed to give her a renewed vigor and swung her spear in a wide arc. Milia had managed to dodge enough jabs so far to still be on her feet, but the swing was too strong and caused her to wobble as it knocked her back. The ray of light that Llevura had called down at the beginning of the fight exploded, and Milia lost her balance and fell to one knee. As she scrambled to get up, Llevura spun around and slammed her sword down onto her, knocking her back down. The crowd of Hands that had gathered cheered as they saw their colleague on the verge of triumph against a rival, but Milia barely noticed as she struggled against her wounds and against the sense of impending doom that gripped at her chest with the knowledge that she was about to die.

From the sidelines, Talvini readied a ward to break the fight apart. Yes, she was worried that Milia would complain about her interrupting the fight before it could reach its natural conclusion, but she hoped she would also be grateful—even if only silently—that she did not let her die, especially in front of a crowd. But before she could act, she felt a dampening field dissipate the magic.

“Stand down; we’re already on it,” Vivec said beside her.

As Llevura went to make one last difinitive slash with her sword, Vivec and Almalexia each raised a hand. The hazards on the field cleared up, and the fight simply ended, as though the combatants had been hit with a sudden calming effect. The gods appeared beside their respective combatants, and Vivec helped Milia to her feet. When it was clear that it was safe, Talvini also jogged over to where the combatants now stood with their gods.

“Congratulations, Llevura, Ayem,” ze announced throughout the yard in a ceremonial lilt. “The Hand of Almalexia has bested my Buoyant Armiger today. As for what the future holds…well, we shall see.” Ze winked dramatically.

Ze turned toward Milia and said much more quietly, “I wasn’t going to let you die today.” The partially hidden concern on hir face told Milia that ze knew exactly what that meant to her. Ze squeezed her hand and oriented her back toward her opponent. “I will be inside. Come see me when you’re healed.”

She nodded as her god vanished, and then bowed in concession toward Llevura. “Well fought.”

“You as well,” Llevura said. “I’ll admit I was even worried for a moment there. But, I think that settles our argument?”

“For now.” Milia tried to give a wry smile, but winced instead as the pain from her wounds began to fully hit her.

Almalexia laid a hand on each of their shoulders, and the majority of the pain quickly faded.

“An impressive fight from both of you,” she said. “I must return to my cloister. While you have provided an entertaining diversion, my people still await my counsel. Llevura, stop by the armory before you return to your post. Your uniform is looking a little charred.”

She gave her Hand one more smile of approval and was gone.

Tilora joined them in the center to tend to their remaining wounds while the crowd began to disperse. After a quick triage, she focused on Milia’s puncture wounds and bruises first, as Llevura’s wounds would require more burn cream than she had on hand. Most of the bleeding had been handled by Almalexia’s initial heal, but there were a few places that required more focused attention.

When her wounds were fully healed, Milia thanked Tilora, congratulated Llevura once more—trying to keep her demeanor as buoyant as possible despite her wounded ego and fear of what was to come—and went inside to face Vivec’s judgment, followed closely by Talvini.

“Do you want me to wait outside?” Talvini asked when they reached Vivec’s cloister.

“No, stay with me, please,” Milia said.

Hand in hand, they entered the chamber, knelt before Vivec, and rose, waiting for hir to initiate the conversation. Despite the confident front Milia was holding up, Talvini noticed a subtle tremor in her hand. She wondered whom she was putting on the face for.

“What an exciting afternoon,” Vivec said. “I love a good Armiger-Hand fight, and rarely are the stakes so high. I hope you don’t begrudge our intervention in the final moments.”

“Not at all, muthsera,” Milia said. “I trust your judgment far more than my own. In the heat of the moment we forgot that it might have been…upsetting for onlookers to watch one loyal servant of the Three outright kill another, even if we knew that death would be temporary.”

“True, but the onlookers—while important—are not the only ones who concern me,” ze said. “You said your death rites before the fight.”

Milia’s grip on Talvini’s hand tightened.

“I realize that must have looked like a lack of confidence, or even a lack of faith in your guidance. I apologize. I was…just nervous, though I recognize that that’s no excuse.”

“Your faith and confidence are not in question. You were not supposed to win that fight. Llevura has been receiving Morrowind’s best combat training for decades, and Almalexia fortifies her Hands’ abilities with divine blessings. That you held up at all is a testament to your strength.”

Ze paused, as if reflecting on the engagement.

“Let me be clear: I did not call you here to chastise you. I simply saw something that concerned me, and I wish to offer help as your god. What I wish you would tell me is why you approached that fight like it could be your last moments on Nirn. I could feel your emotions in that prayer, Milia. You were _terrified._ Yet you know that you are effectively immortal, at least for the time being.”

Her grip was tight enough now to make Talvini consider whether she should stop by Tilora on the way out for a heal.

Still, Milia shrugged with grand nonchalance and said, “Just a precaution, I suppose. All this soul magic is so understudied that you never know when it’s going to stop working.”

Talvini wondered why she thought it was possible, let alone wise, to lie to Vivec, but that would be a conversation for a later time.

Vivec studied her for a long moment, and then smiled. “Good, I am glad it’s nothing serious. Well, you’ve had some excitement today. Why don’t you go home and relax? My orders.”

Ze opened a portal to send them home. Though Milia’s grip had loosened somewhat, they still held firm to one another as they stepped through the portal and landed at the front door to their home.

As soon as they were inside, Milia let go of her hand and said, “I need to change out of my armor.”

“Right. I’ll make us some coffee,” Talvini said, but Milia was already halfway up the stairs.

She heated the water in patient silence, waiting for her girlfriend to return. When it was ready, she added the grounds and resumed her waiting. It occurred to her that she could have made some sort of alchemical tea with calming effects, but it was a bit late for that. She decided to pick out some spices with soothing properties to add to the blend instead.

Milia still hadn’t returned by the time it was ready. In fact, Talvini realized that she hadn’t heard anything upstairs in a while. She poured the coffee into two mugs and headed up the stairs to see what was going on.

The search did not take long. Talvini found Milia sitting on the floor of the bedroom in her underwear next to a pile of glass armor, sobbing into her knees. She jumped up when she noticed Talvini approaching and tried to cover herself with her arms as she scrambled for a robe.

“I’m fine!” she said quickly.

Talvini turned away, being careful not to spill the coffee. “I hadn’t even asked yet.”

“You were going to, but don’t. Because I’m fine.” She sniffled a little as she spoke.

“Understood.” She held out a mug behind her and said, “I brought you some coffee.”

There was a moment’s delay before Milia thanked her softly and took the mug. “You can turn around now.”

Talvini turned back to face her. She was now in a loose robe, her hair out of its bun, her eyes puffy and red, and she held the mug close to her chest with both hands. Her eyes were pointed toward the floor, but she made an attempt at a smile.

Talvini searched for what to say. Apparently, asking after her well-being was off-limits, and any deeper questions would be better saved for when she was ready to open up. She also suspected that an offer of a hug might not go over well. What else could she do? Give her space and hope she would come to her eventually?

She didn’t even realize that she was staring until Milia said with a hint of levity, “Well, if you’re going to keep asking with your eyes: No, I’m not okay.”

She crossed the room to the door and motioned for Talvini to follow her back down to the living room.

Any lighthearted outward expression that she had been trying to put on had fallen off completely by the time they reached the couch, having been replaced with vulnerability and a side of terror. They sat for a few minutes, in near-complete silence save for the occasional sip of coffee, until Milia finally spoke.

“Why doesn’t it bother you? Or Llev?”

“Dying?”

Milia nodded.

“I can’t speak for Llevura, but it does bother me, at least a little.”

Milia did not look satisfied. She chewed her lip for a moment, staring some distance in front of her, and said, “So I’m just weak, then.”

“That’s…really not what I meant—”

“But it’s true, isn’t it? Dying bothers you, but you deal with it. I face the mere  _ possibility _ of dying, and I have a full-on breakdown. I’m emotionally weak, and I’m not even physically strong enough to make up for it by being able to defeat any potential threat before they can kill me.”

Talvini took a slow sip of coffee. “That’s what really bothers you, isn’t it? That you think you’re weak?”

“That I  _ am _ demonstrably weak.”

“You’re stronger than I am. Stronger than most people, really. You’d probably be just as strong as Llev without her blessings, and you haven’t had nearly as much training as she has,” she said. “But more than that, you don’t need to be the strongest person in the world.”

“Of course I do, Tal!” Milia snapped. Tears filled her eyes again, but she quickly wiped them away with her free hand. “I work so hard to be strong enough, but there will always be someone stronger. So I used to try to console myself by saying, ‘Sure, there are entities who are stronger than me, but I dont generally have to fight them, so I’m fine.’ And, ‘I’m more than prepared for any danger that I might realistically face.’ But then there I was, facing down a fetching Hand of Almalexia with my life and Vivec’s honor on the line, and I was reminded: I am just not strong enough. There will always be a situation where I will fail.”

“That’s what allies are for. Why do you think you have to be able to overcome everything on your own?”

“Because it’s only right for me to be the one to throw myself into danger. Logically, I know that even if I die, I’ll be fine, so better me than someone else,” she said. “But every time I do die, or even come close to dying… _this_ happens.”

“You won’t really be fine, though, from what I can see,” Tal said. “And I hate to see you hurt. Maybe you should think about not throwing yourself at death.”

“It’s too late for that. How could I tell my colleagues that there’s been a sudden change of plans and that we have to face danger in groups now? They’ll know something’s wrong with me. I can’t have that.”

Talvini took another sip of coffee while she considered the question. “Perhaps you could say something about the efficiency of groups, or about it being harder to recover if you go in and die than if you all go in and live,” she said. “Vivec might have advice, too, if you ask. I assume ze knew you were lying back there.”

“I know ze did, but ze knew I was just saying that I wasn’t ready to talk about it.” She groaned. “Ze gave me the opportunity to talk, and I threw it out the window because I couldn’t even admit my weakness to my god. I guess I’ll have to go crawling back to hir sooner or later.”

“I’m sure ze’d welcome that.”

“That’s optimistic,” she grumbled. “I’ve been lying to Vivec since before I even joined the Armigers. Why would ze welcome a sudden change in what I’m saying?”

“You just said ze understands that you’ve been lying.”

“It’s…not that simple,” Milia said. “Maybe it is. I don’t know.”

“The way it looks to me”—Talvini reached out and carefully took Milia’s hand—“is that Vivec is all but begging you to open up. Ze can feel what you feel—ze knows how much you’re hurting. What sort of god would ze be if ze didn’t want to help?”

“You’re right, I guess,” Milia said quietly. “I’ll try.”

She did not look thoroughly convinced, but it was a start.

“In the meantime,” Talvini said with a small smile, “because I know you, and I know it could be ages before you do, will you try to be good to yourself? Try not to throw yourself at death if you can help it?”

Milia squeezed her hand. “I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you,” Talvini said. “And if you do anyway, and things do get bad, I’ll always be here for you.”

A real smile—not the kind she had been putting on for appearances all day—finally broke through to Milia’s face, and she leaned over and kissed Talvini on the forehead.

“Thanks, Tal.”


End file.
